Pamela Anderson is boycotting the Kentucky Derby.

Yes. I know, I know…I’m disappointed too.

Why, just this weekend I was just laying around the house (as I so often do) and thinking, “God. I can’t wait to see Pam Anderson at the Kentucky Derby this year.”

She was there in 2001. And again in 2003. And I think it’s common knowledge that those were the best two years of the Kentucky Derby in recorded history.

I mean…it’s Pam Anderson;
Big fake boobs.
Big fake lips.
Big fake blonde hair.
Hepatitis C, which she said was from sharing a tattooing needle with her then-husband Tommy Lee. Turns out Tommy doesn’t have it, so she got it from under some other rock.
Barbed wire Tattoo around her upper arm (because of her starring role in that blockbuster hit Barb Wire. You remember that, right? It was in
theatres from 11:15am to about 7:15pm on May 3, 1996.)

Yes, THAT Pamela Anderson. Of the celebrity-home-sex-video craze that swept the nation. Her presence elevates any event, including horse racing, to a new level. I mean, she’s a CELEBRITY.

And we all know how great those are, right?

And now she’s gone and ruined the whole Kentucky Derby. Apparently, Kentucky Fried Chicken does something to their chickens that makes her unhappy, so she’s not going to watch horses race in a circle. There’s some connection, of course, some company that owns some company is sponsoring some company blah blah blah I fell asleep reading the frelling article. I’m sure her intentions are good, and this isn’t a stunt to get back in the public eye after having no good projects in years, but all I know is that now the Kentucky Derby is going to just be about the horses, and what the hell is the point of that?!

Seriously. If Pam Anderson isn’t there, I’m not going either. I’m not even watching. I don’t care if the whole cast of Baywatch is chasing Seabiscuit around the track with Tobey Maguire shooting webs from his wrists while jockeying the horse, I’m not watching. If Robert Redford comes out and whispers to the damned horses while Dakota Fanning tries to convince Kurt Russell to buy her one, I’m not watching. Hell, you could add Tom Cruise, a bunch of aliens and a horribly overacted character by Tim Robbins, and I’m still not watching.

The whole event is ruined.

Ruined, I tell you.

*sigh*

Pass the bucket, I need me a drumstick.