The light of a thousand suns: A short story.

So, sometimes you have to go to the eye doctor, and they warn you:  “We’re going to dilate your eyes.  You’re going to need sunglasses after your appointment, or driving will be a challenge.”

I don’t wear sunglasses.  I wear regular glasses, but I’ve never worn sunglasses.  I guess the sun doesn’t bother me?  I dunno, maybe I’m just a guy who squints a lot when he’s outside and never realized it… I also don’t even remember the last time I had my eyes dilated, but I’m assuming I must have at some point.  I take their warning seriously.

So, anyway, I find out yesterday I’m going to need sunglasses, so I borrow some from my family.  Now, I have a wife and two teenaged kids, so my options weren’t awesome, if you know what I mean.  Plus, I needed a big pair, to go OVER my regular glasses.

So, this morning, I’m at the eye-doctor, and after all the testing they remind me “Your eyes are still dilated a little, make sure you use sunglasses to drive!”  I say, “You bet!”, but as I’m walking through the hallway the light’s not bothering my eyes, and I think maybe I’ll be fine.

I head outside.

Now, on a normal day, the sun is pretty bright.

Today, however, it’s particularly sunny.  Also, I realized about 1/2 second too late: the world is covered in days worth of record-breaking snowfall, making every possible surface a giant mirror.  A giant mirror designed to do one thing:  Reflect a million gajillion searing little laser beams of doom from every possible angle directly into my dilated, wide and willing eyeballs.

It’s interesting.  I don’t REMEMBER crouching at the base of the building in a fetal position with my arms wrapped around my head, but that’s the first place I actually remember *being* when I could think again.  I’m not sure if I fell there, or if I flung myself there in a protective flailing attempt at not having my head explode.  As I slowly regained my senses, I remember thinking several things at once:  1) Am I crying or are my eyes watering enough to flood my shirt? 2) Where is my ibuprofen?, 3) Is this how things in a microwave feel? and 4) Is my car close enough to crawl to, or am I going to have to stand up?

And that’s the story of how I spent part of the day driving around absolutely ROCKING a pair of oversized Hot Pink Sunglasses.  LIKE A BOSS.

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