So, sometimes you have to go to the eye doctor, and they warn you: “We’re going to dilate your eyes. You’re going to need sunglasses after your appointment, or driving will be a challenge.”
I don’t wear sunglasses. I wear regular glasses, but I’ve never worn sunglasses. I guess the sun doesn’t bother me? I dunno, maybe I’m just a guy who squints a lot when he’s outside and never realized it… I also don’t even remember the last time I had my eyes dilated, but I’m assuming I must have at some point. I take their warning seriously.
So, anyway, I find out yesterday I’m going to need sunglasses, so I borrow some from my family. Now, I have a wife and two teenaged kids, so my options weren’t awesome, if you know what I mean. Plus, I needed a big pair, to go OVER my regular glasses.
So, this morning, I’m at the eye-doctor, and after all the testing they remind me “Your eyes are still dilated a little, make sure you use sunglasses to drive!” I say, “You bet!”, but as I’m walking through the hallway the light’s not bothering my eyes, and I think maybe I’ll be fine.
I head outside.
Now, on a normal day, the sun is pretty bright.
Today, however, it’s particularly sunny. Also, I realized about 1/2 second too late: the world is covered in days worth of record-breaking snowfall, making every possible surface a giant mirror. A giant mirror designed to do one thing: Reflect a million gajillion searing little laser beams of doom from every possible angle directly into my dilated, wide and willing eyeballs.
It’s interesting. I don’t REMEMBER crouching at the base of the building in a fetal position with my arms wrapped around my head, but that’s the first place I actually remember *being* when I could think again. I’m not sure if I fell there, or if I flung myself there in a protective flailing attempt at not having my head explode. As I slowly regained my senses, I remember thinking several things at once: 1) Am I crying or are my eyes watering enough to flood my shirt? 2) Where is my ibuprofen?, 3) Is this how things in a microwave feel? and 4) Is my car close enough to crawl to, or am I going to have to stand up?
And that’s the story of how I spent part of the day driving around absolutely ROCKING a pair of oversized Hot Pink Sunglasses. LIKE A BOSS.